Emotional Attachment

I don't understand. I really don't. I thought of him like my little brother, like How.
And like How, I try and nurture. Try and teach, try and impart whatever I know. Tell them whatever mistakes I have made in the past so that THEY don't make the same mistake. After all, to make the same mistake twice would be stupid wouldn't it? And a series of events all leading to the same conclusion would give you the same mistake.

My intentions are good. My methods aren't. Perhaps. I don't know. But I've spent a lot of time of these two boys. To make sure they don't go astray. I've placed my hopes on these two boys. Granted, How more than Jal. But he's my brother. And the other one, well, is sort of a brother. I look after him, keep him out of trouble. Try and make something out of this boy who came to me for help years ago. Was that a mistake?

After the departure of Dad, I try and make up for not having a father around. The son atones for the father's sins. For many years, I resented the fact that this is happening to me. But after years of kicking myself in the head, thinking maybe it was my fault, I realised it wasn't. It was NOT my fault that they had to fight and make life difficult for their children. Maybe they understood the fact that because they could not settle their differences, their sons would be affected. Maybe or maybe not. Whatever the case may be, it had been done and it was NOT my fault. But I felt it was something I should try and prevent from happening to other people. Who wants to feel lonely and betrayed as a kid?

However, it was not a chore. Not something I dreaded. In fact, for some time, it was the only thing that gave me a purpose. I want to do for them what my father never did for me. Did Dad leave because he could foresee this happening? Did he see what I wanted to shut out from seeing? That some people ARE hopeless and that the responsible thing to do was only going to hurt you in the end? Was I dumb in the sense that I did not select carefully? That whatever one does, it CANNOT make a difference.

I try and be a good man. As good as circumstances allow me. I pay my bills. I send my brother to college. And most of all, I try and leave a positive impact in all lives I touch and those that touch mine. This and many other goals, I have succeeded.

But I have failed in something bigger. The person I chose to mould, to change, to improve; cannot be moulded, changed or improved.

My dear friends, I am, perhaps, an egoistic person and I will be first to admit- that whatever I do for him, is mainly, out of self-satisfaction. So that I know that I CAN make a difference. But if a by-product of my ego is someone who comes out moulded, changed and improved over his old self, is that not a good thing? May I be condemned?

I fear the day that am no longer useful because that day, I will be deserted again. I do not fear commitment, I fear betrayal after a commitment. Emotional attachment results only in pain, today proves it.

I rarely shut my mouth, yet, today, like so many years ago, when Dad left, I am not sure I can talk about what I feel.

My intentions are good. My methods, it seems, are not.